(Or maybe it just left me behind.)
I don’t know when the days started blending into each other. Maybe it was around the time my phone stopped ringing. Or maybe when the group chats slowly turned from chaotic meme dumps and “chai peene chalein?” to silent archives I now scroll through like an old diary.
Kabhi kabhi lagta hai jaise sab kuch pause pe hai — sirf mere liye. Baaki duniya toh full speed mein chal rahi hai.
Right now, I’m sitting in the same room I’ve been in for what feels like forever.
Laptop open.
Phone nearby.
Tabs blinking like they’re busy — but nothing’s actually happening.
Outside, life is moving. Degrees are getting framed. Careers are being launched. Wedding invites are being printed. Engagement rings are getting flaunted on Instagram.
And me?
Still here. Same place. Same posture. Same questions.
Locked, Not Just in a Room
I keep telling myself I’m working. That this is the hustle phase. The grind. The sacrifice everyone talks about.
But sach kahu? Most of the time I’m just staring at my screen, fingers hovering over the keyboard, waiting for clarity to pop up like a notification.
Spoiler: It never does.
Sometimes, even the idea of opening a tab feels exhausting. I switch between windows like I’m switching lives. Google Docs to Twitter. StackOverflow to YouTube. VS Code to Netflix.
And then back to staring at the blinking cursor.
Most days, I’m not even sure what I’m chasing anymore. Success? Stability? A job that pays enough to shut up nosy relatives who love saying, “Beta, kya kar rahe ho aajkal? Kahi job lagi?”
Or maybe… I’m just chasing that feeling I had back in college — the freedom, the endless possibilities, the stupid dreams we had while lying on hostel rooftops, making plans that now feel embarrassingly optimistic.
Now, everyone’s moved on.
My best friend just posted about his new flat in Bangalore — with a kitchen island, no less. Another one is working in an MNC and simultaneously preparing for IELTS to settle abroad and start a new life.. Ek aur hai, jiska “just trying something new” side hustle ab VC funded hai.
I double-tap their wins like a supportive friend should… and then quietly return to my blank screen.
Not out of jealousy. Not really.
Just… a kind of loneliness that comes from feeling left behind.
The Silence is Loudest at Night
There’s a strange silence in this room. Not peaceful. Not gentle.
It’s the kind of silence that sticks to your skin, makes the ceiling fan sound louder, and makes you aware of every beep, buzz, and breath.
At night, I lie down and scroll through old photos — hostel corridors, birthday cakes cut with steel spoons, selfies with bad haircuts and genuine smiles.
Ek photo aisi hai jahan hum sab ek thali mein khana kha rahe hain, bina kisi tension ke.
That version of me looked… happy. Chaotic, broke, sleep-deprived — but happy.
I try to remember how it felt to laugh without guilt. To dream without deadlines.
To be around people who saw me — not just as a CV or LinkedIn summary, but as a full, flawed, funny human who cracked stupid jokes, panicked during exams, and made midnight chai with too much sugar.
Now, no one calls.
No “kya haal hai?”
No “let’s catch up.”
Just a growing list of seen-but-not-replied messages.
And the slowly sinking realisation that maybe… I disappeared before they did.
Why Am I Still Here?
I ask myself this question every single day.
Why me?
Why am I still stuck in this same phase, while everyone else is in Season 4 of their life story?
Is it bad luck? Poor timing? Laziness? Lack of talent?
Or is it just… life?
Messy. Uneven. Unfair.
Like one of those games where you try every cheat code, but still end up losing.
I keep trying to rationalize it. Maybe my story’s just different. Maybe my graph isn’t a straight upward line — maybe it’s a squiggle with loops and falls and pauses.
Maybe I’m the late bloomer everyone forgets — until one day I show up with a twist ending.
But right now, it doesn’t feel poetic.
It feels… like failure in slow motion.
Jaise har din mein kuch bhi naya nahi ho raha ho. Jaise waqt aage badh raha hai, bas mere liye ruk gaya hai.
Still, I Wake Up
Every morning, I wake up. I open my laptop again.
Not with hope.
But with habit.
It’s like brushing your teeth. You do it because you’re supposed to.
Because something in you believes that maybe, just maybe, something will shift.
A call. An email. An idea. A break.
Or maybe just… a better day.
And on some days, I do feel a flicker of that old fire. I’ll write a little. Code a bit. Clean my inbox. Make chai and pretend I’m on a Zoom call with someone important.
And for a second, I feel like I’m building something.
Then the silence returns.
But I show up anyway.
Because what else is there to do?
I don’t have any motivational quotes to offer. No success story yet. No 5 AM morning routine or billionaire habits.
I just have this:
If you’ve ever felt like this — lost, left out, and locked in —
you’re not the only one.
We may be in different rooms, but the silence sounds the same.
Aur haan, kabhi kabhi toh lagta hai ki hum sab bas ek hi boat mein hai — bas kisi ka anchor tight hai, kisi ka loose.
And even if the world forgets us for a while, we haven’t forgotten what it means to feel.
To try.
To hold on — even when nothing makes sense.
Just for Today
Just for today, I won’t compare my journey to theirs.
Just for today, I won’t hate myself for feeling stuck.
Main bas… is feeling ke saath baithunga.
Breathe through it.
Maybe write a few words.
Maybe send that one message I keep typing and deleting.
Maybe make some chai — the strong, kadak kind that tastes like a hug.
Because sometimes surviving the day is enough.
And sometimes, it’s the beginning of something bigger — even if I can’t see it yet.
To whoever is reading this — if you’ve ever felt like your story’s stuck while everyone else’s is moving forward, I see you.
I am you.
And I promise, even if you can’t believe it right now, your plot twist is on its way — thoda late sahi, par jab aayega na, dil se aayega.
So here’s to the ones still figuring it out.
Still trying.
Still showing up, even when it feels pointless.
You’re not behind. You’re just on a different timeline.
Aur waqt chahe jitna bhi slow lage, woh badal raha hai.
Tum bhi badal rahe ho.
Bas feel nahi ho raha — abhi. ❤️